Adventures in ACA: Hit the bottom, now swim for the surface

I'm not naming names here. I'm too angry and stressed to be polite or diplomatic. Suffice to say, I have been betrayed by the stereotypes of my youth. 

First of all, I went to see a doctor that my insurance company recommended. On the phone, he was rather terse with me and my first instinct was to not go. However, my mother, husband and mother in law all urged me to try him, so I gave it a shot. 

Upon arriving at his office, my first thought was, "holy shit, this looks like my kind of people!" He's right down the road from my favorite nightclub, next door to a head shop, and the inside of the office was brightly, if shabbily painted in yellow. He dressed like my dad, all laid back and comfy and there was a lot of brightly colored art around his office. I relaxed a little, but not much.

The questionnaire I was handed was brief enough to give me pause. In fact, it wasn't a questionnaire at all really. It was more asking for billing information.

Our talk was brisk and left me feeling rather cold. I was allowed only to answer questions with a "yes" or "no", no clarifications would be accepted or given. He gave me a memory test that I could have passed at my most disoriented. Then, after about 20 minutes or so, I mentioned that my family had a history of autism spectrum disorders and suspected I was on the spectrum. He very brusquely told me, "you aren't autistic."

He told me he was prescribing Zoloft. While I have heard good things about Zoloft, I was not given ANY alternative. It was "take this and accept that you have to use birth control, because I'm not prescribing any other medication." Also, he told me not to research it. Don't look up the side effects, just take it. I was furious and frightened. I felt like I was back in high school, being forced to listen to a teacher who didn't understand clinical depression and was convinced I was a troublemaker, who could be cured with Oprah tactics and Pollyanna mentalities. He told me he wasn't going to give me individual sessions, gave me a strict list of group therapy rules and told me that, even if the session was canceled, I'd have to pay up $25 a week. 

I was in shock. I wanted to scream at him, "how dare you treat me like this?" But, I said nothing. He terrified me. Finally, I said I'd think it over. He asked to be paid. I had a debit card. He was very sharp and insisted that it would be cash or check and that he'd already told me that on the phone. It's possible I'd forgotten, but I don't recall that. I hurried across to an ATM and got the money to pay. Anything to get away. I was crying. I felt humiliated, angry, afraid. It was only the tip of a horrible day, but it would have been enough to turn the best day sour.

My next step took me to Richmond Behavioral Health. They were remarkably polite and comforting, even expression shock at my experience with prior doctors. They referred me to a place that I will call Metropolis Health.

The trouble with Metro Health is that they wear many hats and have to make people jump through hoops to be treated. You show up, get registered, and, if the stars are right and your guardian angels have gotten very lucky, you can be seen and evaluated. But, this is rare. After the first attempt, you have to keep going back, early in the morning, and trying for a slot to be evaluated. If nothing else, the fourth time, they make an appointment and punt you up the line. I consider myself fortunate. My second official try worked. 

The lady I worked with was super nice and helpful. She asked a very thorough battery of questions, and clarification was accepted and given. I wanted to hug her. She treated me like a person, one with feelings and anxieties. I wasn't a paycheck to her. I'm so relieved. I have appointments to see her and the psychiatrist there. I'm feeling more calm than I have in months.

More as I get it.

Adventures in ACA: The first doctor

     Let me state this for the record: I am, technically, a Christian. I don't worship like most Christians I know, I don't often have the same moral compass, and I generally don't attend church for myriad reasons. I say this, because there will be discussion of religion, especially Christianity, in this post. This is the best warning I can give you. Also, there are instances of professionals not taking mental health seriously. If you still want to read this, the story is under the cut.

     So, yesterday rather sucked. Mostly my fault. Okay, entirely my fault. But, the reason I've been out of it for the past few days is that I've been psyching myself up for this doctor's appointment. Expect the worst, hope for the best, you'll never be surprised.

     The office was downtown, in a rather old-fashioned but nice enough medical plaza (I'd passed it before and thought it was an apartment building). The wait was longish, but I was prepared for this.  I was a little nervous and caught myself stimming in the waiting room, rocking and humming and wiggling. But, things moved quickly once I was back there.

     The doctor seemed nice enough at first. She asked a few in-depth questions about my family medical history and mine. But, then she explained that, due to the office patient load, I had to pick two things to focus on with her. Okay. That's a little odd, but okay. I picked a skin issue I've been fighting and my fatigue. At some point, depression, ASDs and anxiety were mentioned and the fact that I felt like my antidepressant wasn't doing its job any more.

     Suddenly, she began asking me questions about whether I'd had childhood traumas and had I been treated for certain things. One thing stuck out as we talked. She said, pointe blank, "You're so articulate and creative, why do you think you have these problems?" There was a heavy implication that I was being melodramatic or histrionic. While I'm sure some incidents in my youth haven't done my psyche any favors, I seriously doubt I'm just traumatized and everything will be better once I handle that.

     Then, at one point, she began asking about whether I attended church. She might have seen the raven necklace I always wear. It was given to me by a beloved friend, Wanda Runninghorses, because my name means "Raven" and I rarely take it off, because it's just comforting to wear. Either way, I replied that I'm Unitarian Universalist (for the most part) and didn't give her much more than that. Honestly, I felt it wasn't her business how I pray or who to. If I'd had the guts, I would have told her (without lying, really) that I consider myself a witch. But, by then, I was crying. This woman, who I was trusting with my health, was refusing to believe that my mental health was really a problem and, after I had told her what two problems I wanted focused on, she picked a third and wasted most of the appointment on it.

     I guess I need to find another doctor.

You'd Never Know: Doctor Who

You'd Never Know: Doctor Who by brennalarose featuring a blue cardigan

     Even in this day and age, where Nerds are on the rise and Geek is Chic, sometimes, we want to wear our fandom on our sleeve to places that just won't get it. Some people still view most outward signs of fandom as juvenile and unprofessional (yet, some of these people are the ones who wear neckties with football logos or keep autographed photos of favorite actors on the wall in the office, go figure). Maybe it's just because I was raised by hippies and geeks with great fashion sense, but I always like to find ways to subvert that. 

     After a day of pitfalls and before a day of stress and nerves, I have found that I can't sleep for anything. So, while I wait for Insomnia to go home and teach Ferdy to mambo (see my previous blog about Insomnia), I puttered around on Polyvore and came up with a look I think one could get away with wearing to an interview or reception where one isn't sure of the nerd quotient (number of nerds in a room divided by the number of non-nerds and their age range multiplied by whether or not its a cash bar and/or the type of industry involved). It could also work for the office or a date night, particularly if you don't know your date's feelings on certain shows.

    Here, we have Doctor Who. I've deliberately left out as many references to particular regenerations as possible, to allow the wearer to tailor the outfit to their personal favorite (for me, most of Classic). Okay, there's ONE reference to Matt Smith, but it's a lip balm and that's mostly because, while I've found subtle things that lean towards a Companion, there isn't much for their Doctors.

     Starting with the basics, my Gothic sensibilities led me to a simple black button down top with a royal blue maxi skirt. It's easy enough to stay modest enough for the office in this combo, and yet get a little exciting for the clubs or a party. I've added a lightweight cardigan in dark blue by SeV, the same model they sell on the ThinkGeek site (ThinkGeek only sells the black and the white versions). I don't know about you, but I'd rather be too cold than too warm. Cold, I can pile on the layers. Hot, and I'm miserable with no relief. Also, I added a wide blue belt for some interest, without being too flashy. On the shoes, there's a pair of chunky, but sedate black Mary Janes (oh-so-comfy, but still cute), and a more party friendly pair of glitzy blue platform pumps. I'm a sucker for extravagant shoes and these twinkletoes are the kind of thing I'd get a kick out of slipping on before heading into an office party, no puns intended.

     Makeup-wise, I've held back a bit, due to the fact that the clothes are doing the talking. A deep, shimmery blue eyeshadow can be as subtle as a swipe of smoky eyeliner, or as daring as a full-on pop of royal blue, with flashes of silver and black. Lips should be simple, so, no blue lipstick or "Hello Sweetie/Sailor" reds here. Just a lip stain/balm combo stick in a dark, muted berry shade, or, if that's too much for you, a gentle swipe of Vanilla Custard lip balm (fish sticks, purely optional). I chose a blue nail lacquer as well, which you might paint secret little swirls of Gallifreyan or little white squares on with a nail art pen. If you're a klutz like me, don't sweat it. The blue should be enough.

     For jewelry, I think a watch necklace would be appropriate. It doesn't even have to work; I break watches just by wearing them. The touch is the key. I've included two necklace/earring options. The one that seems more sedate and professional to me, is the crystal cube set. The earrings are just two stacked blue cubes with a white bicone on top, to hint at the TARDIS with its flashing light. The necklace that matches has a little crystal heart attached. The pieces look cute and avant-garde without being insistently nerdy or too boho. On the party side, an opulent and baroque silver winged necklace with a deep blue gem compliments a simple pair of sapphire studs. With both, if you have the money (or are willing to sock it away in oatmeal tubs for months) is the top of the line TARDIS ring, with lab-created sapphires. Maybe a bit too obvious with the ring, but unless your boss or co-workers tend to stare at your hands or you work as a sign language interpreter (in which case, you won't be wearing it), you can probably slide it past all but the most savvy of closet geeks.

     I added the wheelchair and the cane to remind me that mobility needs to come first. As fun as the rhinestone heels are, I can't wear them with a cane. But, if I'm in a wheelchair, hell, I have the freedom to rock awesome shoes without my heels and toes being mashed into applesauce. The cane would work well with this. Granted, a smart ass like me would prefer a question mark handle, but the point of this was subtlety. The pearly blue and purple makes me think of a galaxy.

     This was fun! Maybe I'll do more. Maybe one for each of the Companions (how does one tone down the sequined catsuits of Zoë? How can you distill Leela into something office friendly?).

Spoonflower: Setting the Print

     I meant to start working on my experiment scientifically and last night. However, my husband talked me into going to see X-Men: Days of Future Past and then out to dinner, so I wound up being too worn out to do much. This morning, however, I got up and began the test drive.

     After researching methods of keeping ink on clothes (like Sharpie on a t-shirt), I started by ironing the swatches while covered with the cleanest white cloth I could find over it. I think the iron might not have been quite hot enough, but it sizzled when water was flicked on it and I didn't want to scorch anything. After that, I tossed them in my washer/dryer. We have a combination machine, which is awesome because it basically saves time and energy, plus water by being a front loader. Rather than washing the swatches, I put them in a normal dry cycle to add more heat, hoping to help the heat setting finishes on the cloth. I'm not sure it worked.

     When I took the swatches out, the colors didn't seem as vivid as before. That may have been a trick of the light, but I would keep it in mind for the future. Tomorrow, according to my research, I'm supposed to wash them in salt water. I have heard some complaints that salt actually removes color, so I'm only going to use it on half of the swatch and see what happens.

EDIT: It was a trick of the light. No severe fading occurred that I've noticed, after comparing it to the pictures. Still, let's see what happens.

Spoonflower: First Impressions

     So, my Spoonflower test swatches FINALLY arrived and I'm so very glad I ordered test swatches, rather than chance a whole two yard hunk of each.

     The first issue I have, is that, on the website, I can't seem to figure out how to change my shipping address. For all I know, my first order wound up an hour away at my old residence. On top of that, apparently shipping first class like they do means that your tracking number probably doesn't really work.

     However, their customer service is wonderful. The person who replied to my e-mail was helpful, polite and kind. She (going off of the name in the e-mail, the individual was identifying as female) helped me figure out what happened, changed my shipping address for me and had new swatches printed and shipped. I'm not sure whether they took the old charge and applied it to the new order or charged me again, but I'll let it slide for the present.

     The first thing I noticed is that apparently, Spoonflower doesn't use vegan dyes, they use vegan INKS. Meaning, that all my research on natural dye mordants is useless. I'm watching this thread on flickr to find a way to make the cloth hold its color. So far, it's all the sort of thing I would use to clean a Lolita outfit anyway: gentle cycle, cool wash, or hand wash, steam iron. The cotton sateen and cotton poplin have the best reputation for keeping the colors. This eHow tutorial seems to have some merit, so I'll give it a shot. It's been a while since I've done a science project (this year is my ten year high-school reunion, make of that what you will). Still, I'm going to try and do this scientifically, test out all the ways I can think of to wash and treat this stuff. A little mad science never hurt anyone! *mad scientist cackle* Ahem...

     The fabrics themselves aren't bad right now. The swatches came shipped in a sturdy envelope and the invoice was folded around them. Attached with what I think was a very weak adhesive was smaller sample of a faux suede they're introducing that I like very much. I think I might order some for something someday. For polyester, it feels very soft and lightweight.

     Each sample looked to be printed like a picture in an inkjet printer, except on cloth. The samples are about 8" square and the colors look very crisp. I ordered cotton poplin, which seems to have a very pretty drape to it.

     The Teaspoon and an Open Mind print looks just like the website showed me. It's gorgeous and the print looks enormous, which is great, because I'm a big girl and tiny prints would make me look absurd. Definitely buying the big version of this if it survives the test.

     The solid I ordered... I'm not impressed. Despite how it photographs, it's a navy so dark, it looks almost black, whereas I was led to believe it was a more vivid hue, closer to indigo. I was going to use this as a ruffle on the skirt, but I think that plan will change now. I'm either buying a solid something at Jo-Ann's or trimming with the cut-off top of the print. I only need about 20" or so for the skirt and this is closer to 27" in the repeat. Still, it's not a total loss. I can use it in my experiment as more test material.

In Summary: Hard to change address on site, wonderful customer service, fabric drapes well and looks crisp out of the package. More study needed to help decide if this is going to work out.

New Thing to Do: Summer Reading List

     I feel like I'm falling off my game as a reviewer. While I have a schedule written up for my show (new episodes of Bookwyrm's Lair, coming in September, Scout's Honor), I'm wondering if it would help boost my critical skills if I read and review more. That being said, I've cooked up a reading list for the summer, since it's too hot and I have too long of a work day to do a video review. I'm going to try and put together two a month.

Jane and the Stillroom Maid by Stephanie Barron
Jane and the Prisoner of Wool House by Stephanie Barron
A Free Man of Color by Barbara Hambly
Wicked Weaves by Joyce and Jim Lavene
Longarm and the Druid Sisters by Tabor Evans
Death of a Gossip by M.C. Beaton

I'll be putting in the order for these from Amazon, fairly soon, and I'll try to get the first review out in June.

Happy Beltane, May Day, or whatever y'all have!

     So, today, my insurance finally kicks in. Apparently, same for everybody else. Because the phone machine tried to fob me off on the website. Sadly, I prefer to talk to a real person. Also, sweet mother of muzak, the hold music is loud as hell and terrible to boot. I feel like I'm shopping in run down fabric stores with my mother again, circa 1990. Can't y'all at least play some swing or classical or something that doesn't sound like The Chipmunks trying to a cappella their way through progressive jazz.

     They must really want me to go to the website. They just hung up on me. Boo, hiss.

     Here, have some better music, at least:

     On the costuming front, I'm very glad I decided to place my Spoonflower test order so far in advance of any time I might need them. I now know if I want to get fabric I'd better order it rushed, so I'll get it before the next Ice Age. 15 days feels longer than expected. I'm half tempted to start ordering the rest of pieces of my coords, but that might be counting my chickens before they hatch.

     I might want to order a white blouse to dress my Doctor lolita outfit up a bit. I'm going to put white lace on the bottom ruffle, so a black blouse might look wrong. For my first choices of casual tops, this, this, and this, from RedBubble. I'd LIKE to order them in scoop neck, but I don't know if RedBubble's sizes will fit me (are those measurements only for the front have or all the way around?).

"Boo, Tornado Season", Health Grumbles and Plotting a Pink 1490's Italian gown

     Today was not a good day for work. The weather report was calling for tornado warnings, so I wasn't as eager to stick to the schedule as usual. It's kind of hard to focus on things like interaction when, at any second, you're going to have to hide in a closet and cover your head and that of a wriggling, confused, upset child. Luckily, no tornados nearby, but I think the air pressure has been affecting both of us. Youngblood has been sluggish and forgetful, as have I. Plus, I have a pressure headache now. Boo.

     On top of that, it's apparently time for my semi-annual fever blister. I've been doctoring it with Herpecin L and a lack of salty, scratchy foods. But, it's still uncomfortable and unpleasant. I feel like I  ought to be shambling around a marketplace in rags with a bell, howling "unclean! Unclean!" I hate mirrors right now. Ah, well, first world problems, I guess. 

     I've been collecting links and such for my pink garb experiments. I don't know if wild European strawberries would dye the same as the cultivated American ones, but I'm going to try over-dyeing the linen with just a little strawberry juice. I'd like a pink that's around this shade or this shade. Definitely more of a rose color than the baby pink it currently is. Coincidentally, the second one is what I'd like to make a Giornea out of, and, adding to the theme of blue and pink (and water and feminine things), have it reverse to this, or this, or maybe this. 

My Latest Obsession: Doctor Who Lolita coords

     So, I've recently gotten a wild hair up my butt about having more Lolita clothes. I'm not sure why. I don't have a lot of places to wear these things. I sure as hell can't wear them to work. Youngblood is a sweet child, but his love of running hell-for-leather through all manner of bracken is murder on clothing. So, I really wanted things I could wear at conventions. It hit me while I was toddling around Spoonflower: Doctor Who Lolita.

      Now, I know that Spoonflower has an awful reputation for fading. Vegan dyes are tricky like that. I've ordered some swatches of the material I want to use and I'm going to try the old "soak them in a mordant" trick. Also, I'm only wearing this skirt (I haven't got the patience to try making a Jumper Skirt just yet) maybe three times a year: MAGfest, Darkover and Shevacon. So, hopefully, that will minimize fading.

   
(Description of Image: The material in question. Blue striped background with a row of jam sandwich cookies and sugar packets, a row of sponge cake on a plate, a fork, a teacup with a banner reading "A Teaspoon and An Open Mind", a spoon, and a pair of crossed sonic screwdrivers, and a last row of sonic screwdrivers, oranges, pocket watches, cream jugs, message cubes and sugar packets.)

     I figure I can extend the life with separates. RedBubble has numerous designs on t-shirts. If I order them big enough, I can tailor them into cut-sews. ThinkGeek has more shirts and sells a "Doctor Whooves" backpack purse that looks like a plush toy (he comes with his own sonic screwdriver and magnets so he can hold them). That, and the SeV cardigan, which, to me, is essentially a TARDIS that can be worn. Etsy, of course, has tons of bags, jewelry, and shirts to use. So, I've been using my other obsession (Polyvore) to assemble coordinates. I feel like the girl in the story who had a hundred dresses, each one a drawing to make up for what I don't have.

Doctor Who T-shirts by brennalarose featuring vintage rock tees

Adventures in ACA--Behavioral Health and Coverage

     Let me start with a confession: I am a dirty Liberal. Within reason, of course. I eat a lot of things that are bad for me (Vanilla Coke, I love thee, though thy sugary, carbonated goodness makes me puffy and sluggish). I shop at Wal-Mart (I'm a broke-ass American). I believe that Gun Control is both hands on your piece and only aiming at what you absolutely mean to shoot. That being said, I love "Obamacare".

     I know very little about being an independent adult, but I am willing to learn. So, once the spouse and I were signed up for affordable health care, I made damn sure to get control of my health care. First things first, mental health. It's been about two years since I've seen a MHP, give or take a couple of months. My medication isn't working any more (the depression is getting worse, rather than better), and I could really do with a sleep aid that isn't antihistamines and hope. So, yesterday, I called up my insurance and asked for a few numbers I could call.

     I noticed first that I could barely understand the person on the other end. The accent wasn't one I couldn't puzzle out, and they weren't really mumbling, they were just talking faster than I could process. Just a nitpick, I guess. Also, the prompts on the menu to get Spanish help were in terribly pronounced Spanish. I speak just enough Spanish to know that. The call center person did ask me if I'd prefer a male or female psychiatrist, or if I didn't care, so well done on that front. There are things I'm not sure I can discuss with a male psychiatrist. I got three numbers, all very nearby where I live. 

     The issue we ran into was when I wanted an estimate of coverage. My coverage, it seems, doesn't start until May 1st. So, no estimate. Annoying, but I guess it could be worse. I'm going to have to muddle through until then.

Today's Health: I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm really tired. This is a week when I can't stretch out on a sofa and nap until I have to fetch Youngblood; I have him all day. I get tomorrow off and I plan on sleeping in. I love my husband, I know we have a date, but if he wakes me before 10 AM, I'm going to smack him with a shoe.